tonight i was reminded of you

Tonight I was reminded of you. I found a card that you made me, just shy of us being together for 4 months, stuck between the pages of my guitar for dummies book. It’s been a while, you’ve crossed my mind from time to time, but seeing the card that you made me was almost unbearable, it almost took me back to who I used to be. For a split second there I felt that sharp, intense pain I felt long ago. When all of this happened, I read over the card and it talked about how strong our bond was and how you knew we were going to be able to hold onto everything. The distance would never tear us apart, and you signed it with your famous signature, the one you used all the time, Finally Forever. I’m not sure how I feel right now. Its really weird just thinking about you I just, I can push it away, I know that I’m ok I can just push it away it’s only a thought. But while flipping through this book and coming across this card that you made, it made it difficult, I won’t lie about that. And in another very specific line, you lie awake thinking about me because you know that your search is over…what did we have? Was it so wrong? Did it get that bad? Was it something we couldn’t change? It’s been so long now, honestly I can’t even remember. The count has succeeded my capacity to even reason, which is also sad, when I think about it. I can’t even remember, I can’t even remember how you look. I can’t remember how it felt, but yet after reading that card tonight, it reminded me how I felt, and how it felt to love you and to have you. Lately I’ve been wondering if it was even possible for me to even feel again because after what happened to us I let go of everything of every feeling, I went numb, just completely numb, and now, I’ve come across, this card. Now even the numbest feeling can be overcome by such great pain. I was reminded tonight, how much in love we were. How much of myself you held in the palm of you hands, how much I loved you. That you tell me, why it is, that I can’t remember how it is that you look, but yet I still can’t forget you? How does the hurt sneak back in through all the numbness? Why is it that I wanted to text you tonight but knew it was a bad idea? Why is it that almost did not care that it was a bad idea, and almost did anyway? I tried to tell myself that I could do it just to catch up, just to be friendly, well, you see there blog, you and I both know that’s not true. There’s something deeper inside of me that wanted to, that wanted to call you because I miss you and because for some reason there’s some part of me that still loves you. Things shouldn’t have ended the way they did I know you can’t go back and change the past, that’s not what I’m saying, the past is the past, but I don’t know there was something there, there was way too much there between us for it to come to this. Are we through? Was that the end of our love story? Maybe? Maybe I’m just being crazy? Maybe these ridiculous thoughts enter my mind and I’m just a fool lying here on my bed fatigued of the mind from lack of sleep and bodily sickness? Maybe its coincidence I just decided to pull down this old book off my shelf and flip through the pages and read a little bit of it and found an old card you made me stuck between the pages? Perhaps, that’s what it is? What about God? Think he wanted me to do that? Think God wanted to change that numb feeling I had inside? I don’t know, somehow, put it into my head to go into my closet and reach up on my shelf for this particular book that had you card stuck in it; so that I could “accidentally” find this card that you made me to renew my feelings? To renew that deep down buried depression that I felt, that surreal pain, that hurt, but not only that, the love, the gratitude that we had in the relationship that we shared. Why is it that I feel this way right now? We were going to get married! Was that not meant to be? Was that not for us? Was that not meant for you and for me? We were going to grow old, everything was going to be great, the search was over! You said it yourself! Did that pain really get so unbearable? Was it really easier to walk away than to stay? What, are these feelings? I’ve let you go? Haven’t I? Haven’t I let you go? I mean what else would I be holding onto? I don’t know, I don’t, I don’t know what to say anymore. I really don’t know what to say. I just, I don’t, I don’t understand. You were my butterfly. No kiss ever felt so perfect…our hands…caressed each other with such, meaning. There’s a part of me that understands that sometimes letting go is just the best option, just letting the past be the past, but the other part of me also understands that when you see what we had, refusing to let go makes just as much sense.